I have celebrated my 50th birthday a few weeks ago. In all these years, I have never asked for a present but this time I did. I wanted to go to Venice. Wishful thinking but one can dream.
Every birthday since I started dating my husband, was just another day. No big occassion or any real attention. Just another day. And because there was never anything special planned for me, I started to tell everyone that I am not worried about birthdays. Always thinking about how my husband would feel if he knew that I felt disappointed that he made no effort and thinking it was the way he was brought up. Always thinking….of his feelings and not wanting to hurt him.
When I turned 40, I suggested we go out for a pizza to a local Italian restaurant. A place we would normally not go to. He does not like Italian food so we always go to places he prefers and I am stuck not really wanting to have a meal as there is hardly anything on the menu for me. I was quite excited to go out that evening as he never took me anywhere. A nice meal with my husband and 18 month old son. Good chatting and family bonding. It was going to be awesome. But it wasn’t. There was not much chatting going on and as soon as his meal arrived, he started tucking in. Not taking a breath or even bothered to look up and converse a little. He has this bad habit of completely focussing on food when it is placed in front of him. Actually, he only focusses on himself. His needs and his wants. But the weirdest thing is that I accepted that about him. That is how I got to know him and that is how he is. It is amazing that something that is supposed to be a “big birthday” leaves a sour taste in your mouth.
But let’s get back to my 50th! What a night. My brother brought home take aways from a local roadhouse as my special birthday meal. Bless his soul. My husband made no effort to come home a little earlier from work to try and make the day special for me. This was quite a reality check to remember that I do not even make it on to his list of priorities. He, however, made an effort to stop by a local chain store and stock up on cake, chocolates and chips (which I was told a few days afterwards was for me). This was quite funny that he still does not know, being with me for 24 years, that I do not like cake and chocolates. But anyway, he made an effort. I have to admit that he brought me beautiful flowers, which I really appreciated. After we tucked into our meal, with basically no conversation, I was left to my own devices. It is my birthday and my husband finds the television more interesting than talking to me and giving me some attention on my birthday. That made me very sad. It is suppose to be a special day and I should have nice memories, but I don’t. I just remember this feeling of total desolation.
On this day I decided to unpack my treasure chest of memories of the past 24 years. It had me in tears. The only tangible thing I had was a watch that he bought, which I had to ask for, about 19 years ago. He never even bought me a wedding ring. And then the most amazing son God blessed me with. The rest of the stuff I pulled out was empty promises, deceit and lies. 24 Years stolen from me.
He did try and make a come-back. He organised a surprise birthday party for me on the weekend after my birthday. It was totally unexpected and a big surprise. I never expected it from him. The decor was beautiful lilac and the tables beautifully laid. It was so feminine. Then came speech time. Our Pastor gave a little speech and opened with prayer. I expected my huband to say something but he just stood in the background like a salt pillar. The evening went quite well. On the way home I asked him why he did not give a speech. His answer: “I had nothing to say. What did you want me to say?”. What can you say to that? I was astonished. I must have something good in me that you could mention. All the appreciation of what he tried to accomplish was destroyed in two single sentences. All of a sudden, nothing he organised, mattered at all.
And through these couple of weeks, with all the rejection I’ve experienced, I only had One to fall on and at whose feet I could sit for comfort – my Saviour, Jesus Christ.
It is written and always remains written:
“casting all your cares (all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all on Him, for He cares about you (with deepest affection, and watches over you very carefully”. 1 Peter 5:7
Always remember, no matter what you go through, Jesus Christ will give you the strength to see it through. It is the small things in life that shows how much you care, that matter. The fireworks is just an illussion of the world.
I will be sharing personal stories about the lies and deceit in my life. At first I felt shame and realise today that the shame is not mine to carry. I did not make any choices to put shame on myself although I clothed myself in a cloth of shame..
Please share your story with us. Together we can pray and stand strong in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Be blessed!
Ruth 